Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
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