"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
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