“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
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