“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
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