“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Go to BabaMail
