“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
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