"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Monday should be optional.”
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
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