“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
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