"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
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