"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
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