Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
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