“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
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