“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
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