Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
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