"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
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