“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
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