"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
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