“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Go to BabaMail
