“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
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