“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
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