“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
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