“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
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