"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
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