“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
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