I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
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