“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
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