“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
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