“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
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