“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
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