"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
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