"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
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