“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
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