“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
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