"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
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