“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
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