"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
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