“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
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