“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
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