“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
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