“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
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