“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy