“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
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