“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
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