“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
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