"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
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