“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
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