“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
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