“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
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