"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
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