“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
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