"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
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