“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
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