"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
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