"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
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