“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
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