"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
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