"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
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