“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
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