“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
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