"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
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