“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
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