Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
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