“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
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