“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
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