"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
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