“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
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