“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Go to BabaMail
