“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
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