“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
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