“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
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