“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
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