"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Monday should be optional.”
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
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