"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
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