“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
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