“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
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