There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
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