“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
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