“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
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