“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
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