"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
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