“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
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