“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
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