"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
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