"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Monday should be optional.”
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
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