“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
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