"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
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