“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
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