"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
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