“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
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