"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
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