“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
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