“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
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