“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
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