"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
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