“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
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