“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
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