“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
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