“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
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