“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
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