“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
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