“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
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