“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer