“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
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