“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
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