"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
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