“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
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