“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
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