"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright