"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.