Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
We should make like your parents and split.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
I think we need to become better strangers.
You look like my future ex wife.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
You are so right. And I am so left.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
You looked better when I was drunk.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
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